Love and Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with my body. Here's why:

*I love my body because it is healthy and functioning. I can run and walk, and I don't need anyone to help me in the bathroom. For this I am eternally grateful and do not take it for granted.

*I hate my body because it is still carrying thirteen extra pounds of baby weight and is covered in stretch marks and a big c-section scar. Not to mention that those c-sections did irreversible damage to my stomach. No more bikini for me. :(

*I love my body because I was able to carry my two babies for nine months. Some women do not get to experience that, and I do not take it lightly that I did.

*I hate my body because something happened in the operating room when I had Grace. After the doctor delivered her, he proceeded to take all the afterbirth out and throw it in a tray. I think he accidentally took my metabolism and threw it in the tray as well. I can't even look at a piece of candy without gaining at least three pounds.

*I love my body because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

I don't know why I'm rambling about this, it's just something on mind right now. I feel like I'm never going to get back to where I was before Grace and that makes me sad. You can say whatever you want about vanity or that I should just feel blessed to have my children. I do feel blessed to have them, but I still have to look at myself everyday. I've been going to the gym but it just feels like I"m stuck. I'm going to keep going to the gym and try to change some more of my eating habits. I just have to keep positive. But for today I'm having a hate day, and that's okay. But I will not eat bad things because of the way I feel. I will have self control, so I can have a love day tomorrow. Does any of this make sense??? I think I need to stop rambling.

**The song on my play list is about a girl with an eating disorder, and I've always thought the words were powerful. I do not have, nor have I ever had, an eating disorder. But this song reminds me that there is more to me than what I see in the mirror, and I can't let it dictate my life. Looking in the mirror too long brings on the hate relationship again. Why do we do that to ourselves?